Tuesday, August 19, 2008

An Open Letter To My Assailants

An Open Letter To The Young Men Who Assaulted Me In Mississauga, Ontario, Canada On The Evening Of Sunday July 20th:

I don't know who you are, but I know this: the two of you must have been having A Really Bad Day. After all, how else to explain the fact that despite my making a legal left-hand turn at an all-way stop, you still decided to be impatient and cut me off.

That little bit of insolence and insouciance I can forgive; for who among us has not already had that happen to them or perhaps have been guilty of said transgression themselves (whether inadvertently or not)?

Still, when you pulled to the side of the road in front of me, and the one of you in the front passenger seat (you know who you are, Mr. Clean-Shaven White Male, Mid-To-Late 20s With The Short-Cropped Hair Wearing An Orange Tee-Shirt) decided to lean out the open door and yell inanities at me while shaking your fist, I decided to let it be. After all: you must have been having A Really Bad Day.

But what stunned me, was that once I passed you, Mr. Driver Man had the nerve to honk at me. I can forgive that too.

But then the two of you decided to follow me...

When I reached my residential destination, I decided to reverse-park in the driveway, because...you know...I wouldn't want to back out into the street in front of you (see how magnanimous I am?). How was I to know that you, Orange Tee-Shirt Passenger, would exit your vehicle and clamp yourself to my Driver's Side door through the open window? (I really need to get that air conditioner fixed.)

Boy, you must have been having A Really Bad Day...

Not only that: you decided to punch me in the head. And not just once, mind you: but twice. It may have even been thrice, but at that point, I wasn't sure. I had other priorities.

Luckily for you, the second head-punch knocked my glasses off. So while I was somewhat disoriented from my near-vision and your Tysons to my head (and I'm not speaking of the Chicken Company), you managed to get away before I had the chance to make note of your license plate.

You know, Orange...I have to admit: at first I thought it was pretty Ballsy of you. Not only to hold on to my driver's side door and punch me multiple times in the head, while I'm backing into the driveway, Really Bad Day, notwithstanding...

But to Road Rage like you did, when in fact it was you and your friend who cut me off.

But then I think, how ballsy can you really be? After all, those olives of yours must be really pickled. How else would you be compensating for some sort of sexual dearth that only you or your mother can possibly explain.

All in all, I doubt very much that you have the guts to turn yourself in. Neither do I have any confidence that you have the intelligence or the wherewithal to pick up a newspaper, let alone even read one. So, perhaps my entreaty is falling on deaf ears.

Nonetheless, I wish to inform you that the police and I have made the determination that you live in the area where said incident took place; after all, there's not much through-traffic on the street. Perhaps some day, our paths will cross again. I can only hope that you would be in a much sprightlier mood.

But I doubt it.

You seem to be the victim of some Unfortunate Love Affair.

Have A Really Nice Day.

ADDENDUM: Surprisingly, the vehicle the two of you were driving/riding in was directly in front of me on the evening of August 3rd. I managed to track down your license plate.

Ontario Vanity Plate #: "MAVERIK"

How do I know this? Because I remember remarking how it was misspelled. Then when Passenger-Dude started yelling at me through his open door, I thought to myself, "Yeah, RIGHT, 'MAVERIK'."

The police have already run your plates. Luckily for you, owner of said car, you have no priors.

But that doesn't mean your friend isn't a bad guy. Because clearly, he is.

I urge you to turn him in.

Hey, you didn't do the right thing by intervening when he assaulted me.

But it's never too late to redeem yourself.

Have a nice day.

A Reasonable Facsimile

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